5 Commandments

There are many things that happen on an everyday basis that make me angry. However, you’ll only read about 5 of them in this post. Why? I’m lazy. You may think that some of these are nitpicks, but whatever.

(P.S. Some of these situations apply mainly to males. This has become a common trend in my blog posts, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to change this in future posts)

Thou shall not smack on food or gum in public. Okay, I get it. You just came from P.E. and you’re looking at that leftover spaghetti like a lion staring down an injured gazelle but, just because you may feel like a raging animal from the Serengeti, you don’t have to sound like one. Just because your orange Trident gum may be juicier than an actual orange, don’t chew it so loudly that you end up sounding like a hungry giraffe.            

Thou shall not look or talk to me while I’m using a urinal. This should be self-explanatory, but I’ll try to make it clear for all of the personal space violators out there. The bathroom is a sacred place. It’s where we’re able to let out all of our… negativity. It’s the one place in any building that nobody can judge you. Staring at me will only make me uncomfortable and cause me to stare back at you. Trust me, you don’t want to be in a staring contest while trying to use the bathroom. If you know someone very well, you may be able to hold a short conversation. Familiar Person 1: “Hey Jim”

Familiar Person 2: “Hey John”

1: “Nice weather today, huh?”

2: “Dude it’s great”

Unless there’s about to be a natural disaster near the building and you need to notify people of the impending threat, there shouldn’t be much more talking going on until you’ve both moved on to the “hand-washing” stage.

Thou shall consistently wear deodorant. What many people don’t understand is that wearing deodorant really isn’t for you. It’s for the people around you. We understand that you may be having a pretty long day and it’s 999 degrees Celsius outside. However, this doesn’t give you the right to ruin the day of the people sitting next to you.

Also, know the difference between deodorant and cologne/perfume. Deodorant kills the stench while cologne and perfume just mask it for a short time period. Be smart and invest in a stick of deodorant or a bottle of spray-on deodorant.

Thou shall not impede on personal space. This is sort of like the urinal etiquette, but more general. The “personal bubble” is a space where, most of the time, you and only you can be in. Standing too close to someone is just as bad as going to the urinal directly next to them when others are available. It’s unnecessary, it makes everyone uncomfortable, and it allows other people to smell your possibly bad body odor or breath.

Thou shall not excessively complain. With that being said, I’m going to stop complaining. Thank you for reading this huge paradox brought to you by The Department of Redundancy Department.