5 Commandments

There are many things that happen on an everyday basis that make me angry. However, you’ll only read about 5 of them in this post. Why? I’m lazy. You may think that some of these are nitpicks, but whatever.

(P.S. Some of these situations apply mainly to males. This has become a common trend in my blog posts, and I’m sorry. I’ll try to change this in future posts)

Thou shall not smack on food or gum in public. Okay, I get it. You just came from P.E. and you’re looking at that leftover spaghetti like a lion staring down an injured gazelle but, just because you may feel like a raging animal from the Serengeti, you don’t have to sound like one. Just because your orange Trident gum may be juicier than an actual orange, don’t chew it so loudly that you end up sounding like a hungry giraffe.            

Thou shall not look or talk to me while I’m using a urinal. This should be self-explanatory, but I’ll try to make it clear for all of the personal space violators out there. The bathroom is a sacred place. It’s where we’re able to let out all of our… negativity. It’s the one place in any building that nobody can judge you. Staring at me will only make me uncomfortable and cause me to stare back at you. Trust me, you don’t want to be in a staring contest while trying to use the bathroom. If you know someone very well, you may be able to hold a short conversation. Familiar Person 1: “Hey Jim”

Familiar Person 2: “Hey John”

1: “Nice weather today, huh?”

2: “Dude it’s great”

Unless there’s about to be a natural disaster near the building and you need to notify people of the impending threat, there shouldn’t be much more talking going on until you’ve both moved on to the “hand-washing” stage.

Thou shall consistently wear deodorant. What many people don’t understand is that wearing deodorant really isn’t for you. It’s for the people around you. We understand that you may be having a pretty long day and it’s 999 degrees Celsius outside. However, this doesn’t give you the right to ruin the day of the people sitting next to you.

Also, know the difference between deodorant and cologne/perfume. Deodorant kills the stench while cologne and perfume just mask it for a short time period. Be smart and invest in a stick of deodorant or a bottle of spray-on deodorant.

Thou shall not impede on personal space. This is sort of like the urinal etiquette, but more general. The “personal bubble” is a space where, most of the time, you and only you can be in. Standing too close to someone is just as bad as going to the urinal directly next to them when others are available. It’s unnecessary, it makes everyone uncomfortable, and it allows other people to smell your possibly bad body odor or breath.

Thou shall not excessively complain. With that being said, I’m going to stop complaining. Thank you for reading this huge paradox brought to you by The Department of Redundancy Department.

Crack Kills

No, I’m not talking about the drug. In the title, “Crack” refers to the mortal enemy of every pubescent teenage male; the voice crack. A voice crack is nature’s off-putting way of telling everyone in the room, “ALERT: A pubescent child is among you”. For the females out there, or boys who haven’t yet experienced the discouraging effects of having a voice crack in front of a large group of people, let me explain. Actually, before I start, pretty much all of the information that you’re about to read is pretty subjective.

Wikipedia says, “Voice break generally refers to transitions between different vocal registers of the human voice”. Basically, you can go from sounding like the Greek God of manliness to sounding like an elementary school girl for about half of a second. While it may not seem like such a big deal, trust me, it is. Voice cracks seem to only happen in front of a lot of people or in front of very important people. For example, while talking about the of the sacred Rac of the Asu tribe in the discussion section of my SOC 100 class, I thought of a great point to add to the conversation. I raised my hand and began to speak. Everything was going fine until my voice cracked harder than an iPhone 7 dropped from the top of the Eiffel tower. A few girls sitting next to me giggled a little bit, but then it was all over, for them at least. For me, the struggle had just begun. See, when you’re voice cracks, everyone notices and they only care for about 7 seconds. However, the mental effect on you is much deeper. You start to forget what you were even talking about. You’re instantly insecure about your “manhood”. Your entire world revolves around the fraction of a second that really had zero significant impact on society. The worst part is, there’s really no remedy for the embarrassment a guy. You can’t play it cool like it never happened, because you’ll probably end up making it seem more dramatic than it was in the first place. You pretty much have to “walk it off”.

With all that being said, the next time a guy’s voice cracks when you’re talking to him. Do one of two things. You can contain your laughter and remember that it’s a key part of them becoming a man and you shouldn’t make fun of them for it. Or, if you have no soul, Act like you have to go to the bathroom and laugh in there. Sorry for ranting but my voice cracking is something that I’ve genuinely had to deal with for a long time and it’s annoying.

Sidenote/P.S.: You should read about the Asu tribe and the sacred Rac sometime. It’s a very interesting story.

Pickup Basketball: Scrambled Thoughts

I started consistently playing pickup basketball when I moved to Champaign in 2014. This was when I first gained access to the Stephens family YMCA, more commonly known as “the Y”. During the school year, you can find me at the Y Friday night, all day on Saturday, and all day on Sunday. When school’s out, I’m pretty much at the Y for 6 hours a day (Sidenote: I’m mostly playing basketball during those hours, but I can also be found lifting weights, waiting for a court to open, or trying to talk to some girl that’s out of my league). I truly feel like it has made me a better basketball player in a way that no drill, film review, or workout routine can. However, my friends and I have noticed that kids are really straying away from pickup games. People from my grade play pickup at the park or the Y, and so does the grade above us. Even college students and adults are seen often at the Y playing a game or two. But it’s rare for us to see a freshman or sophomore that’s serious about playing pickup.

Now, what do I mean by “serious”? 98.765% of pickup basketball players have, at some point, argued about how seriously a game should be taken. Since there’s no clear “reward” for winning the game, it’s hard to determine how much effort should go in. You should never play a pickup game like your life depends on it. Then you risk injury and, if you’re playing pickup basketball to get better for the actual competitive season, an injury isn’t helping you at all. You also shouldn’t feel like you’re dragging your team down. You shouldn’t be letting your man, the guy/girl (because it’s 2017) you’re guarding, score with ease each time down the court. As a general rule, be a role player. Score where you can. Don’t let your man score. Pass more than you shoot.

I could talk for weeks about pickup basketball, but at this point, you’re probably just hoping that I would find a synonym for “pickup”. You may even be considering buying a new pickup truck. If so, stop by the Y on your way to the dealership. You may even see yours truly.